Mop the Walls

6 Jul

This story is not for the faint of heart – fair warning.

So I switched some medication and it had the side affect of blocking me up. I didn’t ‘have a movement’ for like 6 days and I don’t know if y’all have ever experienced that but it does not feel good.

My brilliant brain drank an entire bottle of magnesium citrate to loosen up my bowels (a.k.a. the depths of hell).

Long story short I can never enter that bathroom again. Ever. I shall throw out my toilet and torch it.

But yea I guess I feel a little better.

Lesson learned: never eat again and then you’ll never have to poo.

Karma is a bitch…

25 Jan

Karma is a bitch in the good way. Sometimes I guess.

So you know how sometimes you just get off the phone- FINALLY- after a super annoying phone call, so you just expect the rest of your day to be garbage. Garbage day after bullshit conversation.

Yet instead the world rewarded me and supported me. It was like “yo girl, did you just come off as bitchy? Don’t worry. Gotcha back” and I found a crumped $20 in a coat I hardly ever wear as I did my laundry.

It’ll be a good night after all. My coat told me so.

Revenge Served Steamy

17 Jan

Oh my god, y’all. It has FINALLY happened. I had a blanket over my lap while I wrote and Frank crawled under the blanket. He does that all the time but this timing was perfect. I just unleashed the BIGGEST BEST FART and trapped him in there like a ten year old bully at summer camp. I’ve waited years for this moment.



15 Jan

I just had the realization that my friends are no longer getting boob jobs to enlarge them, now they are having boob jobs because of cancer.

I feel old.

And powerless. And scared.

I’ll just watch a fish tank for a few hours.

Catnipping Nips

15 Jan


This will be disturbing.

I sleep naked. Always. Unless I’m trying to be polite to intruders or guests or I am a guest or something.

Ever since they were kittens Lou Diamond and Cheese always slept with me.

And Cheese ALWAYS tried to chew on my nips. It’s just his thing and I thought at first maybe he thought I was mama cat or something.

So now he is 3 years old. And at 6am he just licked/nibbled my nipple.

Do I just put him down or rehome him or what? Because that is a horrible thing to wake up to. And he is a grown cat that cannot be instinct anymore.

Though he does bring me headless birds….

Oh god with those same teeth. I just barfed a little in my mouth.

Wait let him maim my family real quick and we will call it a day.

Dream Big

19 Dec

Frank just woke up, looked around alertly and bolted excited to the kitchen. I heard banging on a cabinet that just has like pots and skillets in it.

“Frank! You can’t cook! You are a dog! Knock it off!”

Then he ran full speed back to the ottoman by my bed where he sleeps, curled up, and went back to sleep.

What kind of dream do you imagine he had that made him do that? Haha.

My Glass Slippers

11 Dec

I went to get a glass of water in the middle of the night. Naturally I dropped the glass and it shattered all about my bare feet on the bathroom floor. As it was the middle of the night I hadn’t bothered to flip the light on, I was relying on the night light.

Which is light blue and motion activated.

So I looked at my feet long enough trying to figure out how to walk out of the glass and wondering how there could possibly be so much of it. Long enough for my motion light to go off, and I was out of range of getting it on again.

So I stood where I was and flailed my arms wildly until I got tired. Then I attempted to drink water right from the tap.

Then I decided maybe I could sleep standing up until the sun came up or just wait to be discovered.

In the end, I turned, made a leap in what was hopefully the right direction, and just shuffled my feet out.

Did it work you might ask?

Somewhat I guess. I mean, I got a lot of glass in my feet, however, I did make it back to bed.

My feet have always been super gnarly anyway.

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